Presenting issue
Supporting clients dealing with loss brings varied work. A client came to see me to ask for support to deal with the loss of their partner. Losing a partner is tragic enough however, this loss came with additional sadness as their partner had had alzheimer’s. The client had lost their partner when they were first diagnosed with alzheimer’s but again when they had to admit defeat and put them in a nursing home as they could not cope with them at home anymore. The loss increased dramatically as their partner died shortly after being admitted to the nursing home.
What the client wanted to achieve from their sessions
The client wanted to be able to deal with the loss plus the guilt they felt about having to put their partner into a home. They also felt worried about moving on with their life and starting to live again. The client’s words were, “Why am I still here to do things?”
How we worked together to help the client deal with the loss
We used Kubler Ross’ five stages of grief:
- Denial
- Bargaining
- Anger
- Sadness
- Acceptance
for the client to explore how they felt.
Not only was the client trying to deal with the emotional feelings of their partner passing, but they were also physically shattered having been their partner’s main carer until four weeks before they died.
Denial and Bargaining
We worked with the denial and bargaining sections of loss. The client was struggling with the fact that they believed their partner might not have died if they had not put them in a home. The client felt very guilty for putting their partner in a home despite not being able to cope anymore with the demands of caring for someone with alzheimer’s. If their partner had not gone into a home, the client’s health would have suffered even more. It took a while for the client to admit the impact of caring on their own health.
Anger and sadness
Anger and sadness became linked for the client. They were angry at themselves for putting their partner in a home. They were sad that their partner died in the nursing home rather than at their own home. We explored ways for the client to let go of the anger. One method we used was to write things down. This helped the client to see what they were angry about and eventually, the client began to see they were angry because of all the guilt.
The client felt guilty because they could now do things without sorting care for their partner, which had been their main concern for the previous eighteen months. We looked at ways for the client to deal with guilt. The client learnt that is was ok to start to do things for themselves. Their partner would have wanted them to carry on and have a life. This was a real challenge for the client.
The client was struggling to share with people how they felt. If people asked how they were, they would reply “OK”. I asked if that was the truth and why they felt struggled with actually saying how they felt. We explored ways for the client to feel safe to share their feelings. This wasn’t about sharing it with anybody but realising it is ok to share it with family and close friends. After sharing how they felt with friends, the client felt more able to cope. They knew if they were having a bad day it was ok to admit they needed a bit of support. They kept telling themselves they should be over this and should be able to deal with it all. When supporting clients dealing with loss, it is about reinforcing to the client that grief isn’t a set timeline, everyone deals with grief differently.
Acceptance
After a while, the client began to realise that it was ok to start to move on and make a life for themselves on their own. This isn’t about forgetting their partner or their memory. This is about the client being able to do things they enjoy without feeling guilty. After discussing the interests that the client had, they decided it was time to try and reintroduce some social activity into their life. Initially, this proved a challenge because the client hadn’t had a social life for all the time they had been caring for their partner. We explored steps for the client to achieve this goal, what things would the client like to do? Where do these events take place?
Moving on
Having found a sport that the client wanted to take part in, we explored the steps that the client would have to take to get to this activity. We broke the steps down and focussed on one at a time. Once the client had taken one step, they could move on to the next. Even though the steps might seem small to us, I knew they were very big steps for the client. The client found some steps easier than others. The first time the client went to the sports club, they felt very awkward. During their time there, they wanted to escape back home but didn’t. The client was very proud of themselves for staying and taking part in the sport. Over several weeks, the client managed to build up a social circle and began to feel comfortable about going out again.
When supporting clients dealing with loss it is important to be mindful that the memories of their partner are the most important thing to the client. This isn’t above moving on and forgetting their partner. This is about moving on in a way the client feels able to deal with their emotions and feelings.
It was a great pleasure to see this client move on and to be able to build a life for themselves. A few months after our last session together, I received a handwritten note through the post thanking me for the support during this difficult time. The client said they were very pleased that I had helped them deal with the loss of their partner.
If you are struggling to deal with loss, call Hilary on 07850 447585 or email hilary@lifebalancecounselling.net
