Becoming a new Dad can be very challenging. I have worked with several clients who have struggled to adapt to being a new Dad. It isn’t the fact that they don’t love their new child or their partner. You don’t know how to manage expectations or what to do and feel there is little or no support for you in this role.
Pregnancy
During the pregnancy, the female partner is the focus because they are the one who is carrying the baby and also attending hospital and midwife appointments. For a lot of these appointments, the ‘mum to be’ may have to attend these on their own as their partner is at work. During Covid-19 this has been the case for most appointments. Attending appointments on your own is challenging and the partner who cannot attend can feel left out.
Sometimes when you attend appointments on your own, you do not hear everything that is said, particularly when ‘baby brain’ is present. If the male hasn’t heard things for themselves, they can feel their partner is keeping information for them, when in fact, they have just forgotten to tell them.
Birth
No first-time parent, whether you are male or female really knows what to expect when the birth process starts. Have my waters broke? Are these pains contractions? Both questions that potential new mums will be asking themselves. The new Dad can feel left out at the birth. You can struggle to see your partner going through the pain. The medical team, can sometimes, not intentionally forget the new Dad is there because they are focussing on the safe delivery of the baby. This is another occasion when the new Dad can feel left out.
As men struggle to talk about experiences and things with their friends, they might not have heard from other men that this is normal during the birth process.
New baby at home
Bringing your new baby home is a worrying time for all new parents. Am I going to be able to look after the baby? Why is it crying? I have changed the nappy, I have fed and burped the baby but it is still not settling. All these new scenarios are carried out when you are also sleep-deprived. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Anyone who has had a new baby and had weeks, months, or even years of sleep deprivation will understand this.
As a new Dad, you can be unsure of what your role is. Mum is breastfeeding the baby, therefore you don’t get involved in the feeding routine. Sometimes men struggle to handle the baby, as they see it as more delicate than it actually is. The baby seems so small in their hands and they are worried about hurting it, which is normal for all new parents, not just new Dads. This worry can lead you to shy away from getting involved in looking after the baby.
Becoming a new Dad can be very challenging, as you can see, and sometimes it can lead to new Dads feeling rejected. They now have a bundle of joy that requires everything doing for them. Their partner looks after the baby, but Dad appears to get left out and left with all the household chores. The new mum doesn’t do this on purpose but it can appear like this to a new Dad.
Rejection
Becoming a new Dad can be very challenging and when new Dads feel rejected, they can start to feel depressed. Postnatal depression in new Dads is common but can go undiagnosed.
Signs of postnatal depression in men are:
- insomnia
- helplessness – not knowing what to do
- marital issues
- feeling more anxious than normal
- increase alcohol or drug use
Postnatal depression in men can affect their relationship with your partner and your new baby but the biggest effect will be on your own mental health. New Dads can become withdrawn as you start to feel isolated at home. New mums don’t intentionally ignore new Dads. The baby becomes the focus for mum as they need to take care of them.
As new Dads become more withdrawn, you can start to withdraw from social activities and therefore don’t speak to anyone about how you feel. Quite often if you speak to other new Dads about how you’re feeling, they will agree with you and can understand where you are coming from. When new Dads become withdrawn, you can start to rely on other things to make you feel better, ie drink or drugs, or even another person.
The arrival of a new baby should be a happy time for everyone involved, but unfortunately, that is not always the case. If the new Dad is struggling to cope, it can impact on their relationship with their partner and also the bonding with the new baby. You will not be the only new Dad feeling like this.
If you are finding become a new Dad is very challenging and you are struggling to deal with the arrival of a new baby, click on the link below to book an appointment with me
