Do you ever say to yourself, I need to change the way I do things, but do not understand what you need to change?
Be Perfect
Are you beating yourself with the ‘Be Perfect‘ stick? Do you put pressure on yourself every day to achieve something that is impossible? Perfection is not possible but being the best version of you is.
I have helped lots of clients who have a ‘be perfect’ driver. In your opinion, nothing you do is ever good enough. In actual fact, you are doing your best, but you still believe it is not good enough.
This results in everything that you do being seen as a failure. You never give yourself the praise you deserve for the things you have achieved. An example would be taking an exam and only getting a ‘B’ which is enough to get you through to the next level. You are not happy with this because it is not the top grade. You keep telling yourself, ‘I should have done better’.
When clients come to the counselling room with a be perfect driver, they will tell me “I fail at everything”. When we pick this statement apart, this is not the truth, just their opinion. Normally this statement means, I am not as good as I think I should be and I need to change.
Be the best version of you
We start to explore the things that the client feels they have failed at. We will look at the things that the client does on a day-to-day basis, and get them to write down things that they have well on that day. After a couple of weeks of doing this, you will start to see that you do, do things well. Quite often at the end of the day, someone will ask how has your day been, if something has gone wrong, we will focus on this one negative rather than the other ten positive things. When you’re next asked this question, before answering reflect on your whole day, what have I done today and try and tell them something that has gone well?
If you a friend came to you and said something had gone wrong, what would you say to a friend? “You did your best”. Would you say that to yourself, possibly not? Why are you treating yourself differently to your friends? There shouldn’t be 2 sets of rules. You wouldn’t be so harsh on other people, so why are you doing it to yourself?
Please Others
Do you agree to do something for someone else, then when the time comes around to do it, wonder why you agreed to do it? Then you beat yourself up for doing this.
Are you trying to please other people in order to be happy?
Why are you putting other people’s thoughts and feelings in front of your own?
Freda came to see me and was feeling very low. She explained that she never had time for herself and was always exhausted. We looked at the reasons for this. Fred thought, “I need to change”, but she didn’t know what she needed to change.
Freda was always saying ‘YES’ to help other people even though she didn’t really want to, both in work and social situations. Her workload was overwhelming whilst other colleagues seem to have plenty of time to do their own thing.
We explored why Freda felt the need to say ‘YES’ She felt that people wouldn’t like her if she didn’t do things for them. Freda was a PEOPLE PLEASER – are you a people pleaser? Why was she putting other people’s feelings in front of your own? She thought people would like her for the things she did, rather than the person she was. I reaffirmed that people would like her for the person she is.
How to stop pleasing others
The challenge was going to be the next time, someone asked Freda to do something for them. Freda was going to have to give herself a minute to think about the question and understand why she wanted to give her answer. Was she saying ‘yes’ because this was the default answer or, was she saying ‘yes’ because she wanted to help this person.
If she was saying ‘yes’ to please this person, how every difficult it felt, she was going to learn to say ‘NO’ The other person would not like this because they were used to Freda saying ‘yes’ At the time, it would feel awkward for Freda but later when she had less work, she would feel much better about herself. This is about learning to put yourself at the front of the queue, not behind other people. Self-care is the most important thing you can learn to do, if you don’t take care of yourself, who does?
Be Strong
Do you hide or control your feelings? Are you reluctant to ask for help? Do you put yourself in a position of being depended upon?
Are you shying away from telling people how you really feel? Do you believe you can carry on regardless of what is going on? When life gets tough, it is ok to hold your hands up and say I am struggling at the moment. I am finding balancing all these things difficult. Do you shy away from asking for help as you see it as a sign of weakness? It does not mean you are weak or a failure. It means you are a human being and struggling with your feelings and emotions. This will probably resonate with more men than women.
What scares you about asking for help? At the end of the day, you are only human and are affected by the same feelings and emotions as females. No doubt you watch what you eat, which looks after your physical health. You probably also take part in regular exercise to support your physical health too. Over the last few years, it has become acceptable for men to use skincare products, where you look after the outside of your body. Why shouldn’t you give the same care to your mental wellbeing?
Do you have a tendency not to realise how tired, or hungry, or ill you feel, but instead ‘keep going’? Do you prefer to do things on your own?
Stop trying to be strong
“I can do this” how many times do people say this to themselves, despite being on their last legs? I can’t ask for help, what will people think of me? People will view me as weak if I ask for help. If someone asked you for help, would you see them as weak? More than likely not. You would quite happily help them.
If I do things on my own, I am in control and people will think I am coping. Are you really? The downside to this is, people think you are coping when in actual fact, you are struggling to manage your emotions. Telling yourself you have to BE STRONG is very damaging. You can end up in a very lonely place because it is easier to cut off your emotions than deal with them. I need to change to stop feeling lonely.
Another downside to telling yourself you have to BE STRONG is the inability to delegate tasks. If you don’t delegate, you will become overwhelmed by the amount of work that you have to do. You feel it is better to become overwhelmed rather than share your true feelings with someone else.
Fear of rejection is a reason for you to tell yourself you have to BE STRONG. If I tell someone how I feel and they don’t react in the way I want to, that will be very hurtful.
Try Hard
Do you always say yes, if someone asks you to do something? Are you always telling yourself you need to do more? I need to be better …
Do you seem to be busy all the time, but never seem to actually achieve anything? Do you say I will try something rather than I will do it?
Do you crave praise but never actually appreciate it, when it is given?
Do you feel physically shattered because you are always trying to do everything?
Now is the time to stop. It is ok just to do the job, you don’t need to rush to complete it. Take your time and do the job properly. Take the pressure off yourself and enjoy what you are doing. Finish one job before starting another.
All these things will lead to physical burnout. Set yourself realistic targets rather than lining yourself up for a fail.
People will not think any more of you when you put yourself under this pressure. Do you every thing, I need to change to release this pressure.
Hurry Up
Do you try to do everything RIGHT NOW? Do you put yourself under unnecessary pressure to complete tasks immediately?
Please tell your HURRY UP driver to stop!!!!
It’s ok to take your time and complete the task when you have time. If you are trying to complete everything right now, do you give it your best attention?
Why are you trying to complete everything right now? What is the benefit to me of doing this? Absolutely nothing at all, other than raising your stress levels. I
How about taking your time, permitting yourself to do it when you have time. Do you give yourself permission to relax and enjoy the here and now or are you always moving on to the next thing.
Do you get any pleasure out of anything that you do? To start to get pleasure from the things I do, I need to change.
All these drivers, affect everything you do on a daily basis. Is it now time to take control of these drivers and learn how to do things differently? If you can see yourself in this blog, please feel free to contact me on 07850 447585 to learn how to change the things you do.